You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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