walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
