did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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