Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
