apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
