I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
