I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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