I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
i think my cat just said my name.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
