it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
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you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
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I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize