Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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