she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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