I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
