I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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