The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
