if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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