every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
