Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
