nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
