im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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