You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
