When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
