We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
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I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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