god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
