This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
