4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
