i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
