Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
