I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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