Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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