If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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