Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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