Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
