I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
