She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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