Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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