Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
