Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
