I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
