i already hear my dad disowning me
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
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