final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
