you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
