I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Randomize
