In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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