I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
