Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
