dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
