I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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