she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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