The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
