Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
