I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
sarcasm needs its own font
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
