My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
bring money and cleavage
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I think your dad took our porno
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
