I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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