I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
