The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
