dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
