but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
