Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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